Ive known sense I was very very young all I wanted to me was a mommy and a wife. I never wanted to be a rock star, a nurse, or go to the moon. I wanted to change diapers, wipe tears, share smiles and raise baby's to be amazing people.
I never thought Id have to fight for that to happen. I never thought Id be where I am now. I knew I had married the man on dreams and the next step was baby's. Last summer everything was falling into place, I was 4 weeks late! and we weren't ever trying. My home test were saying both yes and no. I finely got several yes's in a row and called the doctor. A week before the appointment the test went back to no. I had lost the baby. We think we were about 5-7 weeks along.
Grief is a bastard. I couldn't sleep, eat and I was sick constantly. I couldn't get on facebook cuz several of my friends were pregnant and i couldn't read there post. I thought I was gonna die. We decided we wanted to actually start trying to have a baby.
November came around and something changed. I went to the doctor in December and we decided we needed to do a ultrasound and blood work. I couldn't believe what she had said I could have. I did research and learn as much as I could going into my ultrasound. 2 weeks later I went in for the results, Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome! I was crushed. I tried to put on a brave face and act like I was OK with it but I wasn't even close to OK. I had lost a baby and now on top of it all it was gonna be extremely hard to get pregnant again??? How is that fair? I was so mad and hurt I couldn't breath.
Millions of women get pregnant every year. high school girls get pregnant and have no way to support them and end up having abortions and here we were with tons of love to give away and we couldn't get pregnant. We couldn't afford health insurance but couldn't qualify for CICP anymore cuz we made to much.
I was in pain all the time and was sick. I had no energy and had gained back all the weight i had worked my butt off to lose plus more. and to top it off (total tmi here) my periods were lasting 6-8 weeks. I was miserable and had no way out.
Jeremy and I didn't know which way was up. We talked about going to a specialist but without insurance we couldn't afford the test and the medication. So we let time pass and just tried to heal the best we could. May was the hardest month of my life. Every baby I saw made me remember I should have been welcoming my own into the world that month. I did my best and it got easier when I read a article about a couple who had lost a baby also, they said "I didn't lose my baby, Its in heaven with our loved ones waiting for us". And I realized I would get to see my baby one day and would be able to love and care for it when I get there. Until than I know my baby is fine and is being cared for my everyone I've lost.
Jeremy and I decided we want to adopt!!! :-) Its a very long and hard process but so worth it. We haven't gave up on having a baby either. I got a job and we are buying insurance and I'm finally going to be able to get some relief from the pain.
Its not easy for me to share all this and it took alot for me to be able to write about it. Ill keep posting as things move along. thanks for reading!
